Resource Management Innovations
So ... what's this 'Core Values' thing Rick?
In the 80’s when I rounded the three-oh benchmark I began to notice a terrible trend among my business colleagues, army buddies, friends, even family: Divorce. Tammy Wynette made a few bucks off the single … but other than that it has only made attorneys rich while wrecking families and turning homes into houses.
Statistics Canada tells us that depending on the region the rate is between 38 and 48%. There is some argument about the actuals north vs south of the border based on the method of calculation but you get the idea. Given our original intent … that has to be considered a staggering loss. Here is another way to look at it: Researchers have estimated that 30 per cent of Canadian children born in 1984 witnessed the end of their parents' marriage or cohabitation by age 15, and almost half of all children from divorced families will see their parents divorce again.
This was happening in a variety of marriages – from the shaky to the apparently strong. Joy and I didn’t think our relationship was in any kind of danger, but then again, we knew that many of our friends had thought their relationships were indestructible too.
At the same time, my own goals and aspirations were getting some serious traction. And while I was enjoying the new risks and rewards of business, I knew that I couldn’t lose my family in the process. That prompted me to make one of my key life decisions: rewriting my definition of success. Instead of net worth or advancement or achievement, I decided that for me,
Success means having those who mean the most to me
share in the experience, as full partners, its trials and its blessings.
This made success possible only if I included my wife and children in the journey. From that moment on, my success depended on an intentional family first objective … taking this journey, together.
If you want to truly succeed in this life, you need to ask yourself a question: Is your pursuit of success drawing you closer to – or farther from – that which is most important in your life?
If you want to redefine success (those Values that we would consider Core or Mission Critical), here are some ways to put your decision into practice:
Define your priorities.
How much of your calendar is devoted to (your family?) that which you say … is of greatest value to you. On your budget and to-do list, where do you factor (and demonstrate) your Core Values? No relationship (assuming it is family or friends) can survive for long on leftovers. Too many of my colleagues have convinced themselves that the business came first … and if I don’t provide … then nothing else matters. Well, frankly … some of our best times together (including those first Christmas’ as a private in the army) were when Joy and I had nothing. What we did have was each other. Our best times have had no relationship to our bank statement … it was simply experiencing a life moment, together. There have been some crazy ones. My story spans six countries and ten provinces. A lot of relational experiences … but I have never owned much in the way of stuff.
Very early in my career, having recognized the relational attrition around us … both Joy and I (as King David of Old did) ‘purposed in our hearts’, that we would be intentional in honoring the vows that we took … ‘before God’. Yikes! Have you thought about the explaining that some folks will have some day? That really is the basis of and a great example of ‘Core Values’. Besides … I promised myself that nobody else was going to raise my son and daughter (who would teach them how to spit? Or whistle?). It is the filter through which quite literally everything is assessed. How does ‘this’ (the latest situational challenge) … square with my values? It acts as a decision making filter for that which is coming at me. It keeps me accountable, ethical … and more than once has caused me to turn on my heels and leave circumstances or situations behind. Values are not situational … and serve a very valuable purpose as my experiential lens. Wasn’t it Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (?) who sang that great 60’s song … ‘teach your children well.’ What could possibly be more important than Core Values? It’s a gut check more so than a brain check.
It’s been said that a lot can be learned about what a person values by examining two things: their calendar and their bank statement. Showing where we spend our time and money. What do those things say about what you value?
Decide on your philosophy.
Once your loved ones are a priority (for example) you have to decide together what you want your family to stand for. What values will you live out? For us, the bottom line was to cultivate and maintain what I call my 5C’s:
• Commitment to our faith,
• Continual growth,
• Common experiences,
• Confidence in God, and each other, while
• Contributing to others in ways that are meaningful. (That continues to be manifest in a global missional agenda. See our partnership with Samaritans Purse on the Partners Page, and the Turn on the Tap program specifically).
This was my family’s list. It has followed me into RMI. It has stood the test of time. I’m not suggesting that you adopt our philosophy, but I encourage you to take time together to define your non-negotiables. Keep the list short so that you can remember and apply it.
Develop your problem-solving strategy.
I think a lot of people go into marriage expecting it to be … well, easy. Maybe we’ve seen too many movies. Marriage isn’t easy. Family isn’t easy. Parenting isn’t easy. The best plan is to anticipate problems, stay focused on the commitment we have made to each other, and develop a strategy for getting through the tough times ... before they happen.
Talk to your loved ones about how you could improve your problem solving together. Many problem-solving strategies exist, from family meetings to fair fighting rules of engagement. Kind of a Marquess of Queensberry Rules for the kitchen table. Use the ones that work for you. Just be sure that they foster and promote:
1. Better understanding,
2. Positive change, and
3. Growing relationships.
Deciding to redefine success, and acting on that decision, changed the trajectory of my life. Now, over 30 years later, I’m still married to My Joy, both Daniel and Amanda have assimilated our family values (often counseling their dad now … I love that!) and we still desperately love each other.
Defining and living my core values (intentionally) has allowed me to experience my personal definition of success. And really, when you reach the end of your allotted time, what will have been most important to you? Your business? Your bank balance? Having a spotless house … or whatever else you put before what you said was most important to you?
Just a question, but the answer changed my life.
Cheers;
Rick @ RMI
Posted By: Rick Kneeshaw 2010/05/22
Categories: Leadership and Management